Creating Mealtime Structure
Creating mealtime structure is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your family when it comes to feeding. It takes a little effort up front, but it’s completely worth it. This one little change to your family’s daily routine can make mealtimes easier on you, reduce picky eating in your kids, help your kids regulate their appetites, and teach them to self regulate around food, so needless to say it’s pretty powerful!
Keep reading for more on the benefits of mealtime structure, and the most common stumbling blocks that hold parents back from fully embracing it (so you can avoid them for yourself!).
Why do you need mealtime structure?
There are a lot of reasons to love mealtime structure. Here are a few to keep in mind:
Less Stress
Imagine how nice it would be to not have to be ready to provide a snack at any given moment, or to no longer be met with a meltdown whenever you reinforce structure. (So nice!) And, this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Appetite & Self Regulation
When kids get to eat whenever they feel like it, they end up feeling never quite hungry and never quite full, whereas leaving time when kids don’t have access to food allows them to hone their self-regulation skills and build up an appropriate appetite for mealtimes.
Less Picky Eating
Research has shown that the never-hungry-never-full feeling can actually lead to picky eating. A study by Mallan et al (2018) found that “higher mealtime structure at 2 and 3.7 years predict less food fussiness at 3.7 and 5 years,” and “lower structure around mealtime schedule at 3.7 years predicts more food fussiness at 5 years.” This shows that the more structure your child has, the less fussy they are about food.
This remains true across all ages and stages (“terrible twos,” “three-nagers,” and as your kids enter elementary years) and across the different feeding temperaments that accompany them (which we talk about in more detail below).
Better diets
When a child lacks structure with how they eat each day, they graze. And when they graze, they almost always end up "filling up on snack foods" and thus not eating well at meals when more nourishing foods are usually offered. By emphasizing structure, we help our kids to eat a more balanced diet of both meals and snacks.
Set the Stage with Parent & Child Roles
If you’ve been part of my community for a while now, you are likely familiar with the Division of Responsibility in Feeding (sDOR), a feeding relationship between parent and child, where each person has clearly defined roles. Sticking to these roles makes mealtimes easier for parents, and helps children tune into their hunger and fullness cues (an essential skill for a healthy relationship with food).
If you haven’t yet heard of sDOR, click here for more information.
Parent’s Role:
What is offered
When food is offered
Where food is offered
Child’s Role:
If/whether they eat
How much they eat
Seems pretty simple, right? They eat from what you offer, when you offer it, and wherever you offer it, or they wait until the next meal or snack. But in practice, it can actually be hard for many parents, and I understand why! It’s nerve wracking to let go of control, especially if you’re worrying that your child won’t end up getting enough.
And even though switching up feeding roles can be tough for parents at first, I think it’s important to realize that the alternative (letting your kids eat on demand), isn’t all sunshine and rainbows either.
The Problem with Eating on Demand
When children are allowed to eat at any given time, then they get to be on their own feeding agenda. It’s an example of the trouble that can ensue when they get to take over what should be your role!
And, the problems that result from eating on demand don’t stop there. Chances are, it will go on to:
Perpetuate to picky eating (because they think they can exclusively eat the foods they crave)
Create big mealtime challenges (because they won’t have control over what, when, and where they eat at mealtimes)
Rob your child of the opportunity to learn about hunger and tune into their intrinsic hunger and fullness cues (because they never have to wait long enough to even know what hunger feels like)
You may have noticed that the problems created by eating on demand are the exact opposite of the benefits feeding structure can offer. This is great news, because it means that any issues you’re dealing with as a result of “freestyle” eating and feeding can often be remedied by introducing more structure!
Creating Mealtime Structure
The goal is to create a mealtime structure that keeps you in the driver’s seat based on the roles outlined above. But, it’s pretty common for children to decide they’re “all done” with a meal very quickly, without eating much of anything, and usually this leads parents to second-guess themselves. They start to wonder if they should:
make them something else entirely, or
let them go and offer food again later
The problem is that both of these options reinforce behaviors we do not want! Things like leaving the table mid-meal and eating with tons of distractions will probably become more and more common if you let them. Before long, you’ll likely find that your child is:
Asking to eat on your lap;
Wanting to take a break from the meal; or
Needing a distraction “in order to eat”
These are all behaviors that need to be avoided, because they simply do not promote age-appropriate eating competence. Instead, they perpetuate a cycle where your child is dictating what, when, and where food is offered because they aren’t clear on the fact that this is, in fact, your job.
So instead of giving in, go for option c) reinforcing the mealtime structure you want! Do so calmly and confidently by responding with one of these script suggestions:
Mealtime Structure Stumbling Blocks
Creating mealtime structure should be pretty easy. Just know your roles, create a structure that works for you, and you’re set! And while it can be this easy, more often what happens is that one of the fears and behaviors outlined below holds parents back from adhering to the structure they know their families need.
My hope is that being aware of these stumbling blocks before you start will let you notice them and intervene before they become bad habits. Let’s go through them one by one!
Hint: If you read closely, you’ll see that each of these stumbling blocks stems from us giving up our role and letting our kids control what, when, and where food is served.
#1 Giving Into Feeding Temperaments
Your feeding temperament is essentially your food “personality”. It encompasses your attitudes, preferences, and tendencies when it comes to eating and feeding. You might be someone who loves food and can always eat, someone who “eats like a bird” and picks at smaller meals all day, or really anything in between.
Try this: Answer the following questions to get a sense of your own food temperament.
What is your biggest meal of the day? Your smallest?
Do you snack more/less than others?
How do you act when you are hungry?
Are you more prone to be hangry than others you know?
Do you have a keen sense of your hunger or fullness cues?
What aspects of your day drive your appetite most? The Least?
What foods can you eat without even feeling hungry?
Are you someone who “eats to live” or “lives to eat?”
Do you tend to eat to “take the edge off” or eat towards feelings of fullness?
Do you eat “like a bird?” “like a horse?” or “like a snake?”
Now, think about these questions as they relate to your child. Knowing your child’s feeding temperament is a great tool to have in your toolkit. However, parents often let the knowledge of their children’s feeding temperaments override their goals for creating mealtime structure. It usually goes something like:
“My child eats like a bird and has always been so small. Since she doesn't eat a lot, I feel like I need to let her eat small amounts often,” or
“My child loves to eat but throws a fit that he's starving when I don't allow him to snack endlessly. I don't know whether to trust that he really is "starving," or hold my ground!”
It’s important to recognize that every time you modify your meal plan or compromise on the meal time structure you’re trying to create, you’re giving up the key parts of your role as the parent in the feeding relationship. You’re inadvertently letting their tendencies determine what, when, and where food is served!
You can use your child’s feeding temperament to guide the structure (and ultimately, the routines) you adopt for your family but remember-- you’re doing what you know is the best thing for them. It’s worth sticking to your guns on this!
#2 Fear of Hunger
The most common stumbling block I see is a fear that many parents have-- the fear of their children feeling hungry-- and it makes sense. We’ve always been in charge of putting food on the table and nourishing our kids well, so it’s no wonder we feel guilty whenever they don’t eat!
But remember, discipline in the feeding relationship isn’t a bad thing or a punishment, and it’s definitely not neglectful or hurting your child in any way. In fact, it’s the opposite. You’re establishing a feeding environment that will allow them to thrive, and giving your child the autonomy they need in the feeding process. And, letting them experience hunger and develop an appetite is a far cry from letting them starve.
Hunger vs. Starvation
If we want to create structure, we have to get comfortable with the idea that our children may feel hunger when they choose not to eat. This is a totally appropriate consequence for them, and it helps them to become more aware of true appetite versus other reasons for eating. As long as meals and snacks are appropriately spaced out during the day, you’ll know they’re never starving, so you can confidently enforce your mealtime structure.
Try this: Reinforce your new mealtime with less push back by using these responses to hunger:
Up Next: Establishing Routine
Now that you see the value of structure, the next step is to use what you know to create a routine that you can stick to most days. We’ll do a deep dive into my 6 steps to establishing routine in next week’s post.
Be sure to subscribe to my newsletter so you don’t miss it!