Establishing a Division of Responsibility in 5 Simple Steps
If you find yourself naively feeding a newly independent eater, fed-up after a few years with a picky eater on your hands, or as the worn-out dictator of a clean plate club, you’re not alone.
Food refusal, picky eating, oral aversions, food jags, repeated requests, whining, hiding food... it’s enough to make even the most patient parent go a little crazy! It’s also part of a day’s work when you’re attempting to raise a healthy eater, right?
What if I told you there’s another way?
What if once your child’s plate was on the table, your job was done? As in, no counting bites, no bribing them to eat veggies in order to earn dessert, and no more embellished “isn’t this soooo yummy” rhetoric.
What if you decided when the meal was.
You prepared the food for that time.
You served it where you deemed most appropriate.
And then you were done?
And what if you actually looked forward to positive, pressure-free mealtime breaks with your child (whether or not you actually sit down to eat together)?
Flip The Script by establishing a Division of Responsibility
Good news, friends! What I just described is the Cliff’s Notes version of what it looks like to feed your kids using the Division of Responsibility (sDOR) in feeding.
Once you’re familiar with this powerful and highly recommended approach to feeding, the natural next question is likely to be, “How do I start?!” Today’s post answers that with 5 simple steps for establishing a Division of Responsibility in your own home.
Psst! If you haven’t had a chance to read my post on what sDOR is and how it works, start here and then pop back over to this post afterwards!
Establishing a Division of Responsibility in 5 Simple Steps
If you’re ready to get started with the Division of Responsibility, the first thing I want you to know is that it doesn't happen overnight. Creating a new environment for eating takes time and intention. It requires a renewal of your meal time mindset and careful evaluation of what you believe to be true about feeding kids.
But take heart, because as you lead your family through this and assume your "new" responsibilities, you’ll also get to see your child adapt and assume their responsibilities in feeding as well. Stick with this process because it will become easier with time and the result is so worth the effort. Establishing a Division of Responsibility with the 5 simple steps outlined below will help you get there!
1. Own Your Anxieties and Insecurities
When you want to change your kid’s eating habits, the first step is to reflect on your own. This is because our own thoughts have the power to perpetuate problems within our home feeding environments. One of my favorite resources on this topic, a book called Helping Your Child with Extreme Picky Eating, goes so far as to say that "even if you manage to get everyone sitting down to a "perfect" home-cooked meal, progress will be minimal until you take anxiety off the table."
Anxieties and insecurities with feeding can stem from a lot of things, like:
Nutrition- or feeding-related concerns that started early in infancy.
Judgement from others on how you feed your family.
Control issues (from feeding a strong-willed toddler)!
Concerns about how your own relationship with food might impact your kids.
These create real and valid challenges for the parent who is trying to understand how to adopt best practice approaches for feeding their child.
So before jumping in to this new approach, consider what attitudes and beliefs could be influencing your family’s mealtime behaviors, and how you might go about managing them as you move forward.
Things to consider:
Your own eating competence. Take this quiz if you’d like to evaluate what areas of your own relationship with food might need to be addressed.
Your existing feeding style.
2. Take Responsibility (And Give Up Control)
Remember that your responsibility rests on when, where, and what food is served, and stops there.
You have enough to worry about when it comes to planning nutrient-dense meals and snacks, accommodating for the developmental abilities of your child, providing variety in the diet, and prepping those meals. It’s actually better if you don’t preoccupy yourself with what happens on “their” side of the table once you’ve offered something.
Imagine that once the food hits the table, an imaginary line appears between you and your child. What stays or leaves your child's plate once over that line is simply not your concern. Ellyn Satter gives this rule of thumb: "If you are working harder than your child to get food into her, you are crossing the line" (Child of Mine, 2000).
“If you are working harder than your child to get food into her, you are crossing the line.”
In this new feeding environment you’re creating, a "successful meal time" is not quantified by an empty plate. Instead, success in sDOR lies in what you gave your child the opportunity to eat in a pleasant, pressure-free environment.
Tip: Draw An Actual Line!
If an actual, visible line helps you remember that your job is done once you’ve offered your child their meal or snack, then go ahead and tape down that line down! Then step back and allow your child to operate, explore, experiment, and decide how much they eat while on their side of the line.
3. Maintain A Routine
Routine is a way to give them love with limits.
Most young children benefit from three meals with 2-3 planned snacks in between (although this can vary a little depending on their awake hours, overall appetite, and daily routine). This timeline should become your goal when implementing sDOR, because it gives your child predictable chances to eat. This way, they’ll be energized and satisfied without ever becoming so hungry they’re “starving” (even though they might still say they are).
With sDOR, you’ll be pre-determining what, when, and where meals and snacks are offered. By doing this, you’ll be preventing panhandling and unplanned grazing, and promoting an age-appropriate (yet increased) appetite when food is offered.
Tip: Make It Work For You!
Look at your family's calendar and see what’s realistic within your schedule, with the goal of feeding your kids every 2-3 hours in mind. Structure meals and snacks accordingly, so that your child learns that they routinely (and reliably) have certain opportunities to eat.
(A full post on this topic is coming soon. Subscribe to be notified when it goes live!)
4. Start Serving Family-Style Meals
According to the book ‘Helping Your Child with Extreme Picky Eating,’ serving family-style meals is the number one thing parents say defuses battles at the table!
‘Family-style’ meals mean that instead of pre-plating your child’s food, you serve the meal in larger, serving dishes where everyone can help themselves (or at least choose what they want on their plates). It helps children to feel interested and eager about what foods are offered, and sets up new “Learning It" foods which are offered at first, and can eventually be enjoyed.
Giving our kids independence means letting them choose if/whether they eat, how much they eat, and which foods (in what amounts) actually go on their plates. Letting them make these decisions for themselves creates a positive eating environment without any pressure to eat. It promotes both appetite and enjoyment in the meal itself!
For more on how to get started with family-style meals, see this post.
5. Pair Foods They Love with Foods They Don’t
Besides modifying your child’s food to improve their ability to chew or swallow, resist the urge to cater to your child as a short-order cook! A better way to make sure your child actually eats is to plan family meals in advance, so that every meal always includes at least one Love It, one Like It, and one Learning It food for each child.
Plan your family's meals with the aim of including:
A Love It food: Something familiar AND favored food for each child
A Like It food: Something familiar but maybe less favored for each child
A Learning It food: Something unfamiliar and/or unfavored for each child
This way, everyone is offered the same dishes at mealtime. And, by ensuring there are Love It and Like It foods offered alongside every Learning It food, you won’t have to worry about anyone going hungry.
Example: If your child is still learning the main entree, select sides that are Love It or at least Like It foods for them.
Here are a few of my go-to strategies to help get you started:
#1: Involve Your Kids In The Process!
If your kids are old enough to weigh in, ask them what they’d like to have alongside the entrée, especially if the entrée isn’t one they love (yet).
Predetermine a few foods that you’d be okay with offering at a given meal, then give them the either/or option. This helps your child feel like they have a voice without giving them so much free reign that you have to end up saying no to their request. This can be as simple as asking, "Would you prefer peas or broccoli with dinner tonight?"
#2: Offer Fruit and/or Milk* at Every Meal
This ensures that even if your child decides to eat nothing else, they won't starve until breakfast the next day. It also creates a well-balanced assortment of foods that help your child to eat and be exposed to different foods over time!
To learn more, check out my Beginner’s Guide to Love It, Like It, Learning It®!
*Note: Milk is a great option for picky eaters! You can serve it to round out meals or snacks that need a nutrient-dense Love It food. But, there is such a thing as too much milk, and it can actually perpetuate picky eating! I recommend limiting your child's milk intake to no more than 16 ounces (about 2 cups) per day.
Taking the Next Step
If you’ve been following me for any amount of time on Instagram, you know I am a BIG advocate of the #loveitlikeitlearningit approach. It’s one way I have been establishing a Division of Responsibility in feeding my family for the past 5 years. For my family and thousands of others who have used Love It, Like It, Learning It®, it has been it has been a practical way to establish this approach on a recurring basis.
Where are you in this process?
Have you started establishing a Division of Responsibility in your own home? If so, what steps do you find the easiest to implement? Which still feel impossible? What is YOUR next step to establishing a Division of Responsibility in feeding?
Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram for more information and tips on sDOR! We’re building a community by sharing our feeding successes and our struggles, and cheering for each other on the path to feeding our kids with creativity and confidence!
Want More? Access In-Depth Coaching, Support, and Resources by joining the Academy!
The Love It, Like It, Learning It® Academy is an 8-week coaching program to teach you the secrets and steps to helping your child learn to like new foods.
Imagine what it would be like if your child:
Was open to try many foods s/he previously wouldn’t touch
Gradually expanded her/his palate to eat from a variety of foods from each food group
Could eat from whatever food was offered to the rest of the family (no more separate meals!)
Learned to like foods s/he previously couldn’t even tolerate on the table
Ate when they were hungry, stopped when they were full, and didn’t throw a fit in between meals and snacks
And imagine if you, as the parent:
Felt less stress and tension at meal times
Were able to address picky eating early on
Finally found an approach to feeding that clicks for you and your child
Felt confident in helping your children become better eaters
Helped your child try different foods without any bribery or pressure